What sort of a lover am I to think so much about my affliction and so much less about hers? Even the insane call, 'Come back,' is all for my own sake. I never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal? ~ from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
In the past 5 years, I have had three people very close to me pass away. My mom, my dad, and my nephew/godson. I miss them all terribly. However, they all had much suffering to endure before their deaths.
Mom had ovarian cancer and underwent surgery and had three chemotherapy treatments. It was the chemo that contributed to her death. She contracted a blood infection due to her immune system being compromised.
Dad was ill for a very long time. We never really had a diagnosis of what was wrong with him. He had various ailments and was on dialysis and oxygen. A year before his death he fell and broke his hip and was never able to go back home and had to use a walker or wheel chair from that point on. He was very sensitive to medications, except for pain medicine which he took a lot of, and had a lot of side effects. (I am also sensitive to medicines, except for pain medicine - I take half doses of cold/allergy medicines, but take double does of ibuprofen for headaches.)
My nephew suffered from cystic fibrosis which was not diagnosed until he was about 15. Somehow he managed to avoid antibiotics and hospitals until he was 19. He had two trips to the hospital this spring. He was on oxygen, very sensitive to chemicals/allergens, took numerous enzymes/supplements with every meal to help with his digestion, and endured lots of breathing treatments. In the end, he refused to go to the hospital again and passed away at home.
So, even though I miss them and wish they were still here, I would not want them to have to endure that suffering again.
1 comment:
Wow - you have gone through a tough few years!! ((( hugs ))) That's amazing that your nephew wasn't diagnosed until he was older -- I thought a diagnosis of CF would be as a very young child, if not earlier.
Thanks again for your encouragment on my blog. I posted another bit of 'pondering' again today. I don't think that there's one specific 'vice' for me, but an accumulation of things that all add up together, and don't help things. Part of it is my celiac pity party -- which is so stupid. I'm learning and leaning on Him! D
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