Dying

What sort of a lover am I to think so much about my affliction and so much less about hers? Even the insane call, 'Come back,' is all for my own sake. I never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal? ~ from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

In the past 5 years, I have had three people very close to me pass away. My mom, my dad, and my nephew/godson. I miss them all terribly. However, they all had much suffering to endure before their deaths.

Mom had ovarian cancer and underwent surgery and had three chemotherapy treatments. It was the chemo that contributed to her death. She contracted a blood infection due to her immune system being compromised.

Dad was ill for a very long time. We never really had a diagnosis of what was wrong with him. He had various ailments and was on dialysis and oxygen. A year before his death he fell and broke his hip and was never able to go back home and had to use a walker or wheel chair from that point on. He was very sensitive to medications, except for pain medicine which he took a lot of, and had a lot of side effects. (I am also sensitive to medicines, except for pain medicine - I take half doses of cold/allergy medicines, but take double does of ibuprofen for headaches.)

My nephew suffered from cystic fibrosis which was not diagnosed until he was about 15. Somehow he managed to avoid antibiotics and hospitals until he was 19. He had two trips to the hospital this spring. He was on oxygen, very sensitive to chemicals/allergens, took numerous enzymes/supplements with every meal to help with his digestion, and endured lots of breathing treatments. In the end, he refused to go to the hospital again and passed away at home.

So, even though I miss them and wish they were still here, I would not want them to have to endure that suffering again.

Serenity in Spite of Trials

People don't recognize God at work in a "perfect" woman -- one with no scars, no troubles, no struggles. But Christ is revealed in a woman who has scars as a result of divine healing, serenity in spite of trials, and peace in the face of uncertainty. ~ The Dieter's Prayer Book

There are people I have met and know that glow with the love of God, even though they are enduring many hardships. My sister-in-law is one. She suffers from MS, but her faith in God is strong and she radiates with the joy of the Lord. Unlike myself. I can fall into a pit of despair because I don't have a kitchen sink. Fortunately my new kitchen sink was installed yesterday.

EWTN Family Newsletter - February 2007

I received the EWTN newsletter yesterday. There is a lot of "stuff" in it that I want to spend some time thinking about. I might write about it later after I let it sink in.

“We often look at Jesus with an attitude of predestination - a cold, hard-hearted acceptance of His sufferings and pain. We think, at least in our subconscious, that somehow He had to do what He did and so we slough it off with a shrug of our shoulders, without a thought of the awesome wonder of a suffering God. We cannot comprehend a love that desires to feel our misery.” — Mother M. Angelica

“Surely He has borne our grief and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him as stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that made us whole, and with His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” — Isaiah 53:4-6

Over and over I read this excerpt from Isaiah. Year passes year, one Lent follows another Lent, and I continue to read it. Each time I read it, though, the passage affects me in a different way — some ways more profound than others. But the aspect that continually strikes me, each and every time I read it, is the sense of my own powerlessness. High and mighty, at times, we imagine that we are our own saviors. Yet, humble and contrite, we realize our need for Jesus Christ and the saving power of His life, death and resurrection.

In the course of my own life, I have experienced some bitter tragedies. I think most of us have. Such heavy burdens of grief and anguish are sure to come to us at one point or another. Looking at the life of our beloved Mother Angelica, we see that she too tasted such suffering from very early on in her childhood — her parents’ divorce, poverty, hunger, loneliness... How did she bear it? “Surely He has borne our grief and carried our sorrows.”

When we pray the Stations of the Cross, three separate times we recount Jesus’ falling under the heavy weight of the Cross. He fell, so that we could get up. He carried our sorrows, so that we could carry Him in our hearts. Bent under the weight of our own crosses, we must swallow our pride and allow Him to lift us up and to carry our grief. We must allow His humility to surmount our pride. His self-emptying can and must melt the glacier of our self-sufficiency.

The truth of the matter is that He has borne our grief. There is no question as to whether He will do it or not. He has done it. Now it is up to us! Will we choose to hang on to our pain, our burdens, and our sorrows.. .in a spirit of malformed independence? Or will we look in the eyes of our true Savior and thank Him for bearing our sins, our grief, our sorrows and our misery. Every suffering, whether great or small, presents us with an opportunity for growth and surrender. We are preparing once again to enter into the Lenten Season. It seems, during this time of year, we are presented with a plethora of opportunities of dying to self and rising in Christ. What will we choose to do with such opportunities?

Mother Angelica always told us NOT to miss the opportunity of becoming a great saint. Maybe we have become too accustomed to hearing her say this. But let’s think about it for a second. An opportunity can be a missed opportunity. “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.” Or if we grab on to suffering as an opportunity for holiness and growth, we can allow Christ’s wounds to heal us. Saints are those who seized opportunities.. . and many times that meant suffering, sorrow, and sometimes even martyrdom. Yet this did not discourage them or make them despondent. They looked upon such things as favors from their Crucified King, for they knew that through such opportunities would come their sanctification.

Family, let us ponder the real meaning of suffering this Lent. Let’s go deeper into the Passion of Christ and understand the depth of what He did for us. “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that made us whole, and with His stripes we are healed.”